Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
