i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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