Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
