my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
