I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
