theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
