just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
