your thong is hanging out like whoa
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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