: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
