when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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