if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
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Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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