if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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