I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
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He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
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It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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