Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
