I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
