I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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