I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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