you would pick up someone in the library
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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