i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
