called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
