let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
