I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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