mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
