Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
