I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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