the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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