i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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