I just made out with a guy for $7.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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