....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it glows. i had to have it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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