i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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