you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
