Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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