The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
