my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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