If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
