is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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