Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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