i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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