I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
