it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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