Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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