oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
