I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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