Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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