I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
