Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
