Your mouth is God's brothel.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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