Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Randomize
