I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Shame - the story of my life.
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