I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
