She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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