I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
